Canadians are fully loaded..
CANADA BUSY SENDING BACK BUSH-DODGERS
Published: Tuesday, November 16, 2004
THE COLUMBUS DISPATCH
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border
into Canada has intensified in the past few weeks, sparking
calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus
among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon
be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see
dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists
and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
''I went out to milk the cows the other day, and
there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn, ''
said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders
North Dakota.
The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.
''He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't
even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?''
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected
higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the
fields.
''Not real effective, '' he said. ''The
liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk.''
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers
who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into
Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and
leave them to fend for themselves.
''A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged
conditions, '' an Ontario border patrolman
said. ''I found one carload without a drop of drinking
water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet,
though.''
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across
the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution
from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about
the Bush administration establishing re-education camps
in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer
and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips
to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching
a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
''If they can't identify the accordion player
on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their
age, '' an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants
are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting
all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
''I feel sorry for American liberals, but the
Canadian economy just can't support them, ''
an Ottawa resident said. ''How many art-history
majors does one country need?''
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States
and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian
ambassador and pledged that the administration would
take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney
said.
''We're going to have some Peter, Paul &
Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species
on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach
out.''
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