The big O
I'd like to know how many women have never experienced
'the big O'
during sex. I have no trouble coming when I play with myself,
but
I've always assumed that there's something wrong
with me because I've
never ever experienced it during sex, no matter how in love,
how
talented or how hard my boyfriends try. However, recently
a close
friend mentioned that she's never had 'the big
O' during sex either
and it seems that it is more common than I've assumed.
So I'm
wondering. How common is it really? Or are we all just faking
it even
to our friends?
-- The Big 'O'
Melaka
Shere Hite, author of the Hite Report: A Nationwide Study
of Female
Sexuality (Dell Publishing, 1977), says that only about
30 percent of
women orgasm through penile thrusting alone. The rest
of us belong to
the 70 percent - the ones who don't and are in search
of the elusive
O!
Actually it's not us, or frigidity or the lack of ability
or desire -
it's just a matter of anatomy or rather how we, females
are
engineered. The clitoris (which is loaded with nerve endings)
is the
epicentre of female sexual pleasure but during vaginal
intercourse,
the clitoris gets little or no direct contact so women hardly
ever
experience orgasm during sex.
Women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm because
manual or
oral stimulation of the clitoris is usually a prerequisite
for
climax. So that's why you can climax easily when you're
pleasuring
yourself.
Maybe we have been fed with too many movies so much so that
in our
minds, women must have orgasms while the penis is in their
vagina.
So, if orgasm during intercourse is what you need, reportedly
two
positions work well. One is the doggie position, where
the woman is
on all-fours and the man enters her from behind. In this
position,
either partner can use his or her hand to stimulate the clitoris
during intercourse. The other favoured position is the
woman-on-top,
where she can lean forward toward her partner so that her
clitoris
can rub against his body.
According to The Woman's Book of Orgasm: A Guide to
the Ultimate
Sexual Pleasure (Citadel Press, 1998), an orgasm has three
stages,
beginning with arousal. At this stage, the vagina lubricates
itself
and blood rushes to the pelvic area, the female version
of the
phenomenon that results in an erect penis.
Full arousal can take anywhere from 10 to 25 minutes and
leads to a
build-up of sexual tension during which the clitoris may
become erect
(the plateau stage). The final stage, orgasm, is the point
at which
tension is suddenly released in a series of involuntary
and
pleasurable muscular contractions, which can be felt
in the vagina,
uterus and/or rectum. Oh, and remember: each orgasm is
unique to each
woman.
In the bigger scheme of things (and to ensure your sexual
satisfaction), women should educate their partners about
the female
anatomy and if need be, explain and demonstrate what turns
the
climaxing on.
Besides, use foreplay to its maximum. Foreplay can get
the orgasmic
gears loosening through eye contact, talking and suggestive
massaging. Light some aromatherapy candles, infuse the
air with
lingering scents, and set the mood for a good time ahead.
Concentrate on your partner, be it his breathing or his
face or his
eyes. Anything to stop your thoughts from wandering to
tomorrow's
project, the kids' unwashed uniforms and unpaid bills.
Thinking about
erotic images and scenarios or, better yet, share them
with your
partner to get your mind into its proper orgasm mode. Meanwhile,
stop
getting stressed about taking so long to have an orgasm.
Many of us
have been socially engineered to please others (especially
men) and
think of ourselves and our own pleasure last, so letting
go and
allowing our orgasms to come on their own accord can be highly-
challenging and worth a bucketful of worries! We're
anxious that our
partner will get bored or tired or discouraged. Well, don't!
Don't
look at the clock, hide it if you must. Lift the phone off
the hook
and switch off the ringing mode on the handphone.
Hold your partner's hand and guide his finger along
until you have an
orgasm. The next time, guide his finger until you're
close to orgasm,
then let go and have him bring you to climax alone. Finally,
let him
go the whole way without your assistance.
While you're showing him the ropes, keep communicating!
Tell him what
turns you on. It can be awkward to say what you like, but if
you
can't talk about it with your partner, the sex might
never improve.
Let him know how he can make you feel good or which touch sends
you
to high heaven! Some men can be quite obtuse, so be very clear
when
describing what you need. If you're too subtle, your
partner won't
get it.
Finally, to achieve that orgasm, remind yourself to stem
these
destructive thoughts and actions:
* Too busy - thinking too much instead of focusing on the
sensations
of what's going on sexually.
* Too afraid that you won't orgasm so you completely
repress your
sexual response.
* Too afraid of asking your partner to stimulate you the
way you want.
* Too afraid that if your partner concentrates on your pleasure
only,
you'll feel too much pressure to come.
* You and your partner are trying too hard to have simultaneous
orgasms.
* You're angry with your partner and unconsciously
hold back your
orgasm.
* Feeling guilty as you've always thought of sex as
something dirty
or sinful. The guilt gets in the way of true enjoyment.
* You rush into sex and are not fully aroused yet.
If you still need more information on your quest for that
big 'O',
check the local bookstore to see if these books can be of
help:
* 1.For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality
by Lonnie
Garfield Barbach (New American Library, 1991)
* 2. Woman's Orgasm: A Guide to Sexual Satisfaction
by Georgia Kline-
Graber and Benjamin Graber (Warner Books, 1986)
* 3. Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual and Personal Growth Program
for
Women by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo (Simon &
Schuster, 1988)
* 4. The Woman's Book of Orgasms: A Guide to the Ultimate
Sexual
Pleasure by Tara Barker (Citadel Press, 1998)
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