What is a woman?
FEMALE ANALYSIS
Women--Chemical Analysis
Element: Women
Symbol: WO
Discovered by: ADAM
Atomic Weight: Average expected as 118, but there are known
isotopes
ranging from 100 to 160, with highly radioactive occurrences
at 250 and
better (avoid at all costs).
Occurrence: Surplus quantities in all urban areas.
(except the general location referred to as POUGHKEEPSIE)
Chemical Properties:
1. Possesses great affinity for Gold(Au), silver(Ag),
platinum(Pt), and
precious and semi-precious stones and minerals.
2. Capable of absorbing great quantities of expensive
substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased
with saturation
in ethanol (alcohol).
5. Yields to pressure if applied to correct points.
Mental Properties:
1. Difficult to ascertain due to the nature of the thought
process that
the specimen follows.
a) Revamped testing procedures are under study, but projected
realizations of test availability dates constantly slip.
Physical Properties:
1. Surface very smooth and soft, with many interesting
irregularities,rusually selectively covered in painted films.
a) Avoid those that apply different colored films to each
fingernail.
b) Some specimen will exhibit a tendency towards thick
applications
of films resulting in eyes that look like they are bulging
out
of there heads. Beware this variety as they may be prone
to
cracking resulting in a realization of what you see ain't
what
you get or lead poisoning.
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given proper treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various states in nature, ranging from virgin
metal to
common ore.
6. Selective specimens have pleasant aroma.
7. Warm to hold. Capable of warming other objects it is held
close to.(at
times causing overheating.
Uses:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Most powerful reducing agent of money known.
3. Can aid in relaxation.
4. Some versions capable of brightening the day.
5. Can be used to stimulate the heart muscle of a male for
what ever
reason.
a) Use with CAUTION. Positive and Negative results have
been obtained
for a given stimuli depending on version.
6. Some instrumental for starting GLOBAL WARFARE.
7. Making dinner reservations.
8. Excellent memories for tasks that males generally forget.
9. With a minimum of flattery it is possible to get versions
to perform
trivial tasks.
Tests:
1. Pure specimens turn rosy if discovered in natural state.
2. Turns bright green if placed beside better specimen.
3. Become coy when confronted with truth.
Caution:
1. Highly dangerous in inexperienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen,
in spite of the
fact that specimens can and do obtain possession of more
than one
of the male gender, and, lie about it.
3. Terrible drivers.
4. Carry ear plugs to prevent ear damage due to spontaneous
outbursts.
5. Known for rendering telephones into melted slag.
6. Affinity for rolling pins.
7. Generally obtain lawyers for divorce settlements,
that can expand
on the idea "weaker sex".
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