First Date: What Went Wrong!!??
We'd been chatting online for quite a while. We had
a ton in common and our talks were easy, relaxed, playful,
and frequent... just like I wanted our sex to be someday.
And yeah, we'd talked about that, too, and admitted
the fantasies we'd both had about one another. I loved
kissing. So did he. He loved oral sex. So did I. We both wanted
it hot and passionate. There was really nothing about us
that didn't seem a perfect match.
So by the time we finally had a time, date, and location set
for our first date, I just knew there would be instant ignition.
I planned it that way. I wanted to look pretty for him, from
what was visible all the way to what lie underneath. From
my brightly painted toenails that I'd imagined high
up in the air as my ankles were locked around his back, to
the placement of my softly fragranced essential oils out
of the way of places I just knew he'd be tasting. I'd
blocked out my entire afternoon and evening, because I
just knew we'd end up wanting to spend all the time we
could together. I'd imagined walks by the river, talking
into evening, kissing in the dark. And later? Full blown,
all out, toe curling passion.
It was a lunch date. Both of us were a bit nervous, but okay.
I'd recognized him easily, because he looked just
like his picture. He said I was "gorgeous",
and was even prettier in person. That had been my biggest
worry, because I just knew everything else would "click."
Imagine my disappointment when, after lunch, we were both
headed home, in opposite directions, with not even a goodbye
kiss. I've had time to think it through, and figure
out what might have gone wrong. I'd like to share some
possible insights about how NOT to make a first date a total
flop.
High expectations. Don't go there! Chatting on the
Net and by phone are totally different than being face to
face. Maybe you've felt comfortable with this person
in those venues, but meeting is a totally different ball
game. Don't expect sparks to instantly fly, or you
set yourself up for disappointment. And if they do happen
to fly, all the better.
No plan. It's not rocket science. If you don't
have a specific plan for the date, you might end up with a
total flop. Spontaneity works better with someone you've
already been seeing and know you're comfortable with.
If you're just gonna do lunch, then say, "Let's
just have lunch." If you do that, that's all either
of you will expect and when nothing else happens you won't
be set up for disappointment.
By all means, determine who's treating, of if the date
is "dutch." Guys, if you're planning on
paying, physically pick up the check and put it in front
of you as soon as it comes. If she doesn't know what your
intention is, and the check is just sitting there in the
middle of the table, it's terribly uncomfortable.
Not every woman just assumes the man will pay. By the time
she's rummaging through her purse for her wallet,
it's probably too late to convince her that you intended
to treat her all along. And by the time she's plunked
money on the table, it's totally blown.
If you're meeting in a "neutral" spot unfamiliar
to both of you (for instance, halfway between where both
of you live), research the area and have something planned.
You met on the Internet, for gosh sakes, so use it to scope
out a strategy for your first date. "There's
supposed to be a park across town. Would you like to go for
a walk?" "I saw a mini golf place advertised
on the Chamber of Commerce web site. Feel like a game?"
"There's a club that's rated the #1 dance
spot in this town. Shall we go for it?" If you do that,
you make your date feel like it was important enough to you
to spend a little time planning, and you're not left
with, "What do you want to do?" "I don't
know. What do you want to do?" That whole "Who's
on first" type of scenario just doesn't score
points.
Chemistry. It's a weird thing that's either there
or not, and you never know until you meet if you're gonna
have it with someone. Don't assume that because you've
had a few hot chats that there will be spontaneous combustion
when you meet. Some people are very different in person
than they are in chat. Yes... it's totally disappointing
when this gorgeous, hot, confident creature you've
been chatting with turns out to be a shrinking violet in
person, but that's sometimes part of the nature of
meeting people online. Don't assume that the interaction
will be the same once you're face to face. Again, if
you do, you set yourself up for disappointment. If the chemistry
isn't there, be ready to just be friends or to move on.
Face to face. If you sense that the person is shy, figure
out something to do that will take the focus off of feeling
like you're both in a fish bowl. Doing some sort of activity
that takes the pressure off being totally face to face and
trying to make a lot of small talk really helps. Who knows?
The shrinking violet might eventually just blossom into
that beautiful, sensual rose you've been chatting
with.
Sex. Okay... so your chats have left you in a perpetual state
of heat for the last month. DO NOT assume that means sex on
the first date. Yeah, it could happen, so by all means have
your method of protection all worked out, but don't
assume that sensual compatibility online or by phone means
you're gonna share the same heat in person. Yeah, it
would be nice, but the reality is that when not face to face,
people feel more free to express their sensuality. In-person
encounters can be totally different, and especially if
the chemistry they thought would be there just wasn't.
Oh sure, you might meet, feel instant lust, and after a few
preliminaries end up lip locked and ripping each others'
clothes off, but don't just assume it will happen.
Many people are much more sensually assertive online than
in person.
So... What's the moral to this story? Plan ahead, keep
your assumptions in check, and relax. You're way more
likely to have a successful first date if you do.
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